YOU WERE A MISTAKE TO EVEN BE BORN

I cannot for the life of me know what goes on inside someone's head to worship someone and call them God. Giving ALL to him and becoming so dependent, that they lose their children, their jobs, their homes and ultimately, their very well being.

I have been a ward of the state myself. I have had my mother join a Cult that she strongly believed in to the end. Do you know what she got for it? ALL of here kids taken from her, a criminal record and one smashed in eye that she now cannot see out of. Please don't get me wrong in the slighteset, I LOVE my mother and would absolutely anything for her. I yearn for her love and exceptance of me and dwell about how she is doing right now as I sit here typing this to you. The only thing is, she choice her downward spiraling fate. She came to a point where she said here children that she gave birth to "was a mistake". I sought to find her with my youngest brother when I was nineteen years of age, only to be rejected by her. She did not even know who I was when she peered through her one bedroom apartment peephole when I rang the bell. I begged her to let me in, which she eventually did after a half an hour. I could'nt comprehend it. "Are you happy now?" my brother said. "She does'nt want us in her life anymore". "Don't you get it", he added. I refused to listen. I came to see her and tell her one last thing before I left her ALONE!!!. I forgive you ma. No matter what you were feeling at the time you were a part of this mad man's cult. I love you and I can understand how you must have felt when you had me at the age of 14 years of age. How YOUR mother was not there to guide you through your decisions you have made in your life. How you must have felt to want some guidance or some recognition of how YOU were going about your eveyday life and how she was not there for you. I feel your pain because this is your fate as well for me.
I could'nt stomach seeing her blind in one eye stare as she gazed at me as if not to even see me and fidgetted around my piercing stare back at her.
"Don't think about coming back here ever again" she stated. "They will kill you". I had put away a lot of the followers with my testimony a while ago and I believe that's how she got her bashed in eye. I felt like killing someone. I even stayed in my ragged car outside of her building across the street with a crowbar watching and waiting for two whole days but no one came. She was left alone.
I at the time was still in a group home myself and had to get back to it before I had social services workers come looking for me because when you are a ward of the state. The state is your mother and father. They get paid to watch you, feed you and clothe you. Not having me there, simply means they lose money and funding. They need to protect their investment, their property.
I returned to the group home two days later and felt as if someone had yanked out my heart. I was utterly and bitterly numb to everything and everyone from that moment on. A part of me died inside that rendered me incompacitated to love anyone much less a girl that if one would meet me and try to get to know me, I would be cold to feel any inkling at all of love.
I guess that's why I am alone now.
I do seek professional help. I guess it will be some time until I can re-marry again. It's just not a priority for me right now. Here in these passages however is my sense of therapeutic redemption and a return slowly back to myself.
I went back to see my mother six months later, after I was able to stomach the emotional courage to do so but she was gone. She left days after I seen here the first time I found her. I don't even know if she is alive or dead now. She obviously does'nt want to be found ever again.
I howeve, still must be. I must get on with my life regardless.
I hope it was ALL worth it ma. But I still love you just the same!